Searching for Meaning When the Heart is Bleeding with Deepest Cuts
There are moments in life where we question everything that happens and this is one such moment ...
I’ve always believed I am a warrior who can survive through all life’s struggles and challenges, yet I didn’t know what is a challenge until I met one of the most whirlpool of an experience recently ... Suffice to say that it’s about my experience with humans who almost made me lost hope in humanity ... for the amount of injustice, hurt and pain they can cause to another human being, that made me wonder if they are all human at all, plus a deeply hurtful experience with a loved one whom I feel love no more, for which I am harbouring the burden of guilt ...
My body broke down yesterday collapsing through the emotional distress that I experienced with such human beings.
I’ve been trying to make sense of what I experienced for I am one who believe that whatever that showed up for me is FOR me not TO me - there are lessons to be learnt through it all.
As I showered this morning I started truly acknowledging my emotions, Saying Sorry, Pls Forgive me, Thank You, I Love You. As I do I cried so much as I felt the waves of pain & sadness. I released it surrendering and trusting that the Mercy of the Divine will help me cleanse this pain off me.
I went into deep gratitude as I Thanked every part of me while I was showering and as I looked at the mirror into my eyes, I gently closed my eyes and saw so many people as I sent out love and light to everyone whom I have ever hated or hated me. I sent love and light to my team to heal them all including all their family members and those related to them. T
As I sat by the balcony facing the beautiful sky at the wake of the morning break, birds chirping and the cool breeze, in quiet contemplation and breathing as my body shook uncontrollably & my tears just flowed through non stop.
This message kept repeating in my mind : The beauty in me is the beauty in you is the beauty in me, is the beauty in all.
Images of my heart beating and every single human being’s heart beating as we breathe the air we breathe ~ that we are in essence the same ~ There is no separation except for what we see as separate
In truth, the last few days, I had so much pain, a deep pain from an incident that happened a few a days ago. I kept questioning how can human can be so mean, how can a human be this way, when I think of this person’s attitude plus a challenging phase with a loved one has spun my life in whirlpools ...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY & IT’S OK
I cried through it all – I don’t understand what I don’t understand and I don’t know what I don’t know, and its ok, I don’t need to know it all. I am sorry if whatever in me through my programming, memories and unconscious parts of me has kept those wounds possibly generational wounds in my DNA, in my memory cells – I don’t need to know what they are – I feel the deep wounds and pain that kept resurfacing – it made me question humanity – why can humans be so unfair so mean so hurtful in their words and actions – Again I don’t know what I don’t know and its ok for me not to know with my mind, my never ending analyzing mind that keeps on asking and asking for answers to justify to make sense of whatever that is happening when it all don’t make sense at all and it hurts my head just thinking of why this and why that ….
COCKTAIL OF POISON
And it doesn’t help to have a thinking mind that doesn’t find the answers is now putting the blame and guilt onto myself – punishing me for the possibility that I am a bad person deserving to be punished for whatever it is I may have wronged that I am beating up myself so bad. A hell I created for myself to punish me. This thinking mind mix with this cocktail of poisonous guilt – this cruel brew that kills me deep inside, that cuts like a blade through every fibre of my body, makes me just sink into this gallows of never ending pain and suffering, a pit that has no ends to the gallows of darkness as if rock bottom knows no rock bottom.
There is a deep pain of not understanding why are humans so heartless, so emotionless so cruel – how can a human do that? Why would they do that? What’s going on in them that make them do that – and how I am so affected by it all
REMINDER TO CLEAN
And I kept on reminding myself, that I don’t know what I don’t know and it’s ok not to know all the answers ‘’ I’m sorry so sorry, deeply sorry for all the energies that may be stuck in me, the unconscious patterns, insidious seeds planted in me since childhood, since while I was in my mother’s womb, through all my ancestral DNA, pain memories, unfinished wounds, pain sufferings guilt that they may have harboured that has been passed through the generations that I am carrying.
Pls forgive me, pls help me erase these wounds, pain, hurt, guilt, sadness Thank you for this lesson that carries so much wisdom, for raising the awareness of what is underneath to surface it for me for me to be aware so I may clean it, clear it from my system from my ancestral DNA, from my environment, from the world that has been inflicted with it.
Thank you for bringing it to me awareness so I am given the response ability to ask for cleaning and healing. I love you and I trust you and I surrender to your Highest Power the Owner of all powers and of the infinite existence there is and always is, I release surrender it to you and trust with my heart and soul that it is all happening for my greatest highest good for not just me but for all.
ALL IS WELL
That all is well and I don’t need to understand but trust the process and know just know that there is a grand plan that is bigger greater than what I can possibly understand now, and at this point I can only surrender this pain to you and walk through this path of the unknown with full trust that I am protected and guided and all is well.
Like it has always been through the many cycles in this lifetime. When I walked out of my marriage out from my kids, and I blamed myself for being the worst mother alive for making that decision – the guilt and torment that brought me to my greatest depression and I finally cried off the guilt that was burdening my heart to You.
ALL IS LOST & GAINED
When I lost everything I thought I had and I broke down and I cried again surrendering to You. When through the moments that I never understood why I even existed and I was grappling to find meaning to what is happening that I could not understand and I had often time blamed it on myself for ill unfortunate fate that I may have been cursed into. Yet I trusted and felt your presence through those times that was what kept me going, this voice to just step up with my ugly mess and just share openly with my heart.
When I had no one but You, I would just sit with you and type through the words that is flowing like the blood from my wounds and I feel with every word that I shared it somehow nursed my wounds, that I just didn’t want to stop writing coz it heals me. When I speak I was speaking to my soul, there were the pain of the people in the room and they were all my pain of a million lifetimes flowing through the river of my heart and I cried with them, I released it all with them and as I do feel lighter and healed and I wish I can just speak and speak coz the words healed my wounds with every spoken vibrational sound.
In my loneliest emptiest moments, I knew you were always there through the heartbeat that beats from within but seems to surround me and all that there is. A power of presence that has always been there to sustain me and everything that there is. When I find myself there I just wanted to stay there and I didn’t want to come out of it coz it was the peace of peace that I felt and I didn’t want to let it go. The worldly affairs pushed me on like currents of an unpredictable river that are at times calm and many times forceful beyond mercy tumbling me like I was those rocks crushed as I hit the boulders underneath the currents, floating on pushed from the river to the ocean of unknown.
MY BEST ALLY
In that unknown space, I searched for meaning where no humans could understand. That place of solitude and silence that is majestic, calming and fully present and alert to every vibrational energy and echoes of my distress sorrow and pain. I find that in nature, the mountains held my pain with its strength, the trees on the mountain terrains, with its firmly rooted roots that held on like pegs supporting the mountains. I was understood.
I felt understood in the majesty of the mountains. I felt light as I floated through the clouds passing by my windows, gentle light as I feel everything else in me floats with it. As I laid back watching the canvas of the night sprinkled with lights of the sky sprawling twinkling winking at me like as if they are winks to we got you.
SOUNDS OF NATURE
There up in the mountains I wrote and wrote and wrote and I poured my heart out surrounded by a presence as if I was in a middle of an orchestra of singing harmonious music vibrational sounds and energy that allowed me to craft my own tunes as I sang and danced along with the orchestra of nature.
I find solace and peace comfort that doesn’t judge me but allowed me to pour my tears a presence that was just there holding the space of eternity for me to heal.
Yet many times I forget as I got back to this role I play in this stage of the world engulfed with at times mundane tasks or seemingly important roles and hats that I play. I forget who I am, who I can be, I forget the existence that has always supported me, I forget the heart beat that has always been there for me.
FORGETTING MY WORTH
I forget that I matter that this heart beat matters, I forget to look back at the path that I thread through the unknown amazon, I forget that I have been taken through these paths time and time again with the heartbeat of my breath beating within, sustaining my every moves.
SURRENDER Here I am in this moment of lapse, I bow before you again, surrendering to my weakness, of my forgetfulness to trust, to believe, to hope. The humanity that I had hoped in others, lies within me, that it is me that needs to be hopeful for me, to trust the good there is to come, to release the hurt and pain and sorrow for not understanding my own sorrows and pain, for not understanding the hurt that echo.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Through this cycle in my life, like the other cycles I had been through, I shall remind myself that this too shall pass and all is well. That there exist in humanity love, compassion, kindness and grace and I shall remember that by being the one to exude that for me and myself first to love, be compassionate, be kind and graceful to me first.
To collapse in this embrace of nature rocking me in its arms of presence through the rhythms of this heart beat that beats through the hearts of every living presence.
TO YOU I ASK
O Master of Hope, Mercy, Love and Compassion, I call upon You, for me to find hope in humanity. This answer I get is, To find hope, I must be hopeful for my own life, To feel love I must love myself first, to trust, I must trust in life, All the answers that I want start from within.
When the Mind starts questioning again, all I can do is surrender Surrender to I dont know what I dont know, I’m sorry, pls forgive me, Thank you for this experience and I love you, I trust you that all is happening for me for my highest good. The poison that I think it is, is the cure for Everything can be the poison and its antidote.
Perhaps this is the experience I need to experience prior to stepping in to the sacred space of the next Soul of Success
I’m Sorry, Pls Forgive Me, Thank You, I Love You I don't Know what I don't Know I’m Sorry, Pls Forgive me for what I don't Know that I Don't Know
Thank you for the experience and I am grateful for what I have now & I shall do what I can with what I have I love you,
I surrender to You, I trust You, You are Enough, I am Enough,
There is No Existence but Existence, all else is an Illusion
I am Nothing Given Everything and in Everything is Nothing All is Well In Loving Surrender,
Love & Light